One thing I have learnt in all my years of being a seafarer’s wife is that you need to know who you are outside of your relationship if you are going to make it.
Outside of being a wife, partner, mother what makes you you? What are your passions and what makes you happy? If you cannot be happy and content by yourself for those 1, 2, 3 months your partner is at sea just how long do you think you can remain in this life?
The brutal reality is that this life is hard and lonely and if you don’t know who you are going into it or learn very quickly then you are going to lose yourself within it. I’m not talking about you not needing your partner and having an identity that isn’t linked in some way to them because they are the other half of yourself. What I am talking about is having a life while they are away and not sitting at home completely lost and just counting down the days like to be honest I did for a while.
It took me nearly 10 years to learn this lesson and veterans of the industry that know both myself and my hubby are still amazed I lasted this long. My whole identity was as a seafarer’s wife and a mother and while I was superficially happy and content inside something was missing. For a long time I didn’t know what it was and so couldn’t do anything about it.
I was 22 when hubby first went to sea and a new mum to a 2 week old daughter. My life was just about keeping my head above water day to day and I put no thought to who I was and wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong my hubby has been nothing but supportive over the years. When he is at home he encouraged me to find my passion in whatever that may have been at the time. I had a failed attempt at making and selling my own beaded jewelry, I tried being a market stall holder that ended up costing more money than I made and every time he had my back. That kind of unquestioning support was what gave me the time and freedom to find my passion. Not everyone knows what their passion is right from the start and some just forget what it is along the way to growing up and that’s ok.
Two years ago I finally found who I was and accepted it which meant life became a whole lot easier. I love helping people and to do it as naturally as possible is something I have always strived to do. So I went back to school and am currently studying to become a fully licensed Naturopath. The grand plan is to open my own clinic after a lot more studying and get paid to help people. That is my passion and what in one form or another I have been doing for as long as I can remember.
Do you know what happened when I made the decision to see myself as a whole person and not just an extension of my hubby? I started to walk taller and just be more confident in day to day life. The days and nights are still lonely while he is away but now it doesn’t consume me. I still count down the days till he is home but now it is because I miss him and not because I need him within touching distance to validate who I am. Although I am not contributing to the house financially yet I am more present and able to give myself fully to my family because I feel whole now. I have my own identity.
I know that when you feel complete within yourself life becomes just that little bit easier. Heaven knows that this life is hard enough and we don’t need to be making it harder on ourselves. I don’t think that you need to know what your passion is right away but you need to leave yourself open to finding it. To not give in to the crushing feelings of loneliness and sometimes jealously that do come up while your partner is away you need something outside of them. Something to be just yours while they are away. It doesn’t have to be as grand as what I’m doing because that is what has completed me and everyone is different. You could find peace in knitting, drawing or maybe going back to school to just continue to learn. It is what make you feel whole and not what everyone else thinks you should be doing.
Trust me when you find what makes you you and embrace it this life will get just that little but gentler. It won’t make the time they are away any easier but you will be able to live with it better.
An Anchor In Port 